What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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