i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
