Moan for me like Helen Keller
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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