We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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