I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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