Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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