Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
