that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
