He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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