i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
