counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
