i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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