Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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