dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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