It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
