I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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