I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
