youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
