this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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