did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
