You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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