party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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