The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
