watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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