Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
