If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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