I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
