they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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