I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
