Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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