Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
