I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
