i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
