I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
