Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am naked and annoyed.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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