You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
