Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
