can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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