Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
