This is not my ceiling
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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