last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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