she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
