It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
