recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
