Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
