Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i've created a new STD.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
