Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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