she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
