Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
i drank out of a bidet.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
