I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
His hands were made for my vagina.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
