bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
