Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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