I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
