I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
